Six Months of Motherhood

Today is an exciting day.  Today, little C turns 6 months old.  We are officially half-way to his first birthday.  This is a feeling of intense excitement and pride but also a bittersweet sadness.  On the one hand, my baby is growing up: he is a happy and healthy half-year old with two (!!) teeth and a brand new ability to sit up completely by himself.  He loves to laugh and he loves dancing and when his dad and I swing him around (we think he'll be a daredevil, much to my chagrin).  But on the other, my baby is a newborn no more.  Looking back, I can barely remember the days of 4am naps on my chest, when I could fit him and the breastfeeding pillow both on my front.  The first coos, first smiles and days of my little guy barely being able to support his neck seem lightyears away.  These feelings aren't good or bad, they just are. 

Today is also exciting because it marks my six-month anniversary of becoming a mama.  This is a huge milestone for me, too.  Those early nursing struggles and the almost constant crying and worrying gave way to a beautiful nursing relationship where sometimes, if I hold him just the right way, he will look up at me and smile so big while I feed him.  Today marks six months of worrying if I'm doing it right, trying to remember to trust C and my gut, and six months of keeping this little human alive. And fed, and happy, and growing and developing.  To be clear, we have lots to figure out still (I'm looking at you, afternoon naps) but we have come so far.

One of my favorite musical artists of all time, Stephen Kellogg, released a new album about four months into Charlie’s life.  I’m one to re-listen to the same cd over and over, much to Mike’s distaste.  In one of SK's songs, “Wild Heart,” there is a line that says:

“If you want to feel your heart explode with love, keep pushing, wait for it, just wait for it.  There's a lot of things I still don't know, I know, but I know how a wild heart grows.”

There is nothing, nothing, that better describes my feelings on becoming a mama.  This has become the slogan of my motherhood.  When the literal pushing finally was over, my heart did explode.  It was different than I thought, less Hollywood and more subtle, but that feeling was incredible.  I never pictured what he would look like or what he would be like, but I knew him.  This little creature-- I knew him with every fiber of my being.  When I feel less-than, when I feel like I'm not sure how I can do any other thing, I remember that I made him.  I grew him.  My body did that! It's a confidence, a purpose and a strength I could never have imagined.  And in those moments (of which there are many) I try to remind myself that this is a learn-as-you-go, wing-it kind of thing.  No one knows how to be a mama, and different things work for different babies.  There is no wrong way as long as you're acting out of love. 

I have learned so much in these six months. The technical things, of course: how to fold diapers and sleepers (Marie Kando. For real. Life changing), how to carry and move your baby even when you're so worried you'll break him, what song will make him stop crying, where his tickle spots are.  And other useful information like:

• Find a village.  Experienced mamas are so wise, and often eager to help.  They won't have any magic answers, but even just reassurance that you're not crazy is invaluable in the moments you need it most.
• Take pictures.  Everyone says the time goes by so fast and it's so cliche, but it's true.  And take videos.  More videos if possible.  You won't always remember the way his tiny hands moved and the small little noises he makes.  These will take you back (and give you something to look at when you miss him while he's sleeping.. because you will).
• Buy half as many clothes and twice as many bibs.  Bonus for not getting sucked into cute clothes at this point, because the bib covers the cute design on the tops anyway!
• You don't need much stuff, but have somewhere you can safely put baby down when you need to pee/drink a glass of water/have 5 minutes to yourself.
• Go with your gut.  You know more than you think and no one knows your baby better than you do.  So many times when I've asked for help or advice, I'm really just looking for reassurance. This is also easier said than done.  This also includes knowing when something just isn't for you (in our case, cry it out).  Some advice you get just won't jive with your philosophy, your baby, what you want.  That's OK. Different strokes.
• Know that you won't enjoy every moment.  Some moments are really hard.  Sometimes you're crying, the baby's crying, and you just don't know what to do next.  Those times suck.  But the good times balance out, if not exceed, those times.
• There will always be a challenge.  In the early days, I thought, "If I can just feed my baby I will be happy."  Now, when he refuses to nap anywhere except in my arms in the afternoons, I think, "If he'll just nap in his crib, I'll be happy."  Do your best to just embrace where you are.  Some times will be harder than others.  And when you get one thing figured out, there will be one more challenge looming around the corner.
• Trust your baby.  You will learn his signals, his cries. I thought it would be impossible, but I remembered a segment from Oprah years ago that I just happened to see.  Check this out: it will save you SO MUCH time.  C's cries were right in line with this.  If he seems OK, he's probably OK.  If he needs something, he will let you know.
• "Do what you need to do to get through the day."  This is not my advice, this is Mike's.  I am lucky to have a smart and wonderful partner who says simple and amazing things like this.  There is no worrying about whether giving your baby a pacifier will ruin his mouth later in life when he's 4 months old and it helps him to sleep now.  I'm guilty of focusing too much on the long term, and some times, you just need to do what gets you through the day.
• Yoga breathing.  Always exhale on those breaths where you're moving your hands away from baby as you're laying him down in the crib.

During the next six months, I want to try to relax more.  To try and trust myself and him more.  Little C has taught me so much, and the love I have for him is the love that every human deserves.  Motherhood has taught me so much about love-- love for my parents and appreciation for all they have done for me, love for my partner without whom I could never have had this journey, love for this tiny incredible human that explodes my heart with every smile, laugh and hug and a love for myself that I never knew.  A love and appreciation for my body for growing him and feeding him and caring for him.  I want to keep knowing this love, to keep approaching it.

Happy 6 month birthday, little C.  Your dad and I couldn't possibly love you any more.